Life Lessons
July 20, 2009, 1:37 pm
Filed under: Life, Tips

(subtitle: or, How I Might Have Hepatitis)

Hello class. I have three lessons to share with you today:

1)   When is it ever appropriate to ask a complete stranger for some of their food?? Unless you are homeless, or someone is holding a sign that says FREE FOOD FOR STRANGERS, the answer is NEVER.

2)   Walking across town with a pizza box is like wearing a sign that says PLEASE START A CONVERSATION WITH ME.

3)   Based on my lifelong research, I conclude that going out alone only turns out good approximately 20% of the time. The other 80%=having to talk to creepers.

For the first few weeks of living alone, I didn’t go out much but I’m finally started to try and venture out more. But yesterday I was reminded of why I don’t go out alone. Many times this summer, I’ve thought about sitting at a bar to have a drink, but then always chicken out at the last minute.  Yesterday I had some time to kill in between errands, so I went to this restaurant/bar where people also hang out with laptops. I sit at the bar and order a mojito. A man 4 seats away from me tells me that it looks good, and I politely smile and say yes it is. Then a few minutes later, three sips into my drink, he sneakily ambles over to me and starts talking to me, then picks up my drink and says “Can I try it? Can I try your drink” and then drinks it through the stirry straws as I fumble incredulously.

He goes back to his seat. Then he goes to the bathroom (for a very long time). During this time, the bartender makes a comment to me about how weird the guy is. I took the straws out of my drink, but I drank a couple more sips before I really freaked out. I started thinking “Can I catch hepatitis this way??? What if this is a new trick and he backwashed roophies into it???” I decide that I will not drink it anymore, that when I am passed out or have some messed up disease, I’m going to say to myself “Damn, I should’ve just spent another $10 on a new drink.” But I’m still still seriously thinking about whether it’s already too late.

A couple comes in and sits right next to him and I’m like OH THANK GOD. But then he tries to get my attention. “Hey! Hey! Honey! Baby! Baby! Hey!” and banging on the marble bartop. I keep ignoring him and start to get super annoyed. Not because I’m so offended by being called Honey or Baby, but because if I ignored you the first time I will not answer to other variations of it! I finally look over and he asks me something like “Are you lonely? Do you want me to come sit over there?” (His English is a little broken, and he also may be slurring a little?) And I tell him that “no, I’m fine. You don’t need to move.” But of course, he does it anyway. Luckily I have my bags and my knitting in the seat right next to me so he’s on the other side of that.

There are two men sitting on the other side of the bar, directly across from me. My new friend suddenly shouts over to tell them, “She is a nice lady! I CHOOSE HER. She is nice because she is knitting me a sweater!” I take this moment to look around at everyone else at the bar and make a horrified “help me” face. I’m also thinking, He’s foreign. What if he thinks he’s gonna marry me or something??  Wait, maybe I should marry him since I already have his hepatitis!! The guy orders another beer and says “And I will pay for my baby as well.” And then I shake my head vigorously, waving my arms and saying NO NO NO. Finally, the [hot] bartender says “Please, leave her alone. You need to move back over there.” And like a child disciplined by the teacher, he was made to move farther away from me.

Let me just add an aside: The first time in my life a stranger offers to buy me a drink at a bar, and he might literally be a crackhead.

But it didn’t end there! He then tries to pass me a note written on a napkin and I refuse to look at him/it until he walks back over and puts it in front of me. It says “You know I am JOKING right?” (emphasis his) And I just nod without saying anything, still not to making eye contact, and he goes back to sit down.

Now it’s been at least 45 minutes since the man drank my mojito, and I haven’t been able to drink it. (I ordered food, that’s why I didn’t just leave) I look around and see that the guy is now harassing a man on a laptop and kinda laugh that the dude actually tries to like, pick up the laptop to “see” something. Total invasion of space! So while he’s occupied, I whisper to the bartender, “Um, can you make a me a new mojito?” The bartender looks all confused, so I explain “uh… he drank out of it.” The bartender couldn’t believe it either, so he made me a new one. This one was much stronger! Ahhhh, at least I can drown my uncomfortable-ness in a drink, and pretend that my pizza is the most fascinating thing in the world.

Creepy guy orders another beer (and didn’t know what beer he was drinking), and the bartender gives it to him but says he won’t serve him anymore after that. He argued a little, drank the beer in about 3 minutes, shredded the receipt into confetti and stormed off. A fitting exit, I suppose.

Drama over, I pay my tab with a hefty tip and box up the rest of my pizza to go. On my walk home, I had at least six people ask me for some pizza, and none of them were homeless. Half were kids who said “Hey, can I get some pizza?” but then even the dudes working the booth at the subway station asked. I ignored him and kept walking, but as I walked away he was still saying “Hey! Hey! Let me get some pizza!” WHO DOES THAT???


2 Comments so far
Leave a comment

oh my god. i feel bad that you’re attempt to relax was ruined. people are just too freaking nuts! also, buy your own damn pizza, thanks.

Comment by phil

This just made my morning.

Comment by Greg

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in: Logo

You are commenting using your account. Log Out /  Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out /  Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out /  Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out /  Change )


Connecting to %s

%d bloggers like this: